Newest articles on The Sacramento Press tagged as "marriage"

Ask the County Law Librarian - Ending Same-sex Marriage and Domestic Partnership

2013-04-04T18:45:51Z

Q. My wife and I became registered domestic partners in 2005. When the California court made same-sex marriage legal in 2008, we got married, too. We are now getting a divorce. Do we need to file two different divorces or can we do it all in one case? Do we even need to officially get divorced since Prop 8 did away with same-sex marriage?

A. First of all, you do need to officially get a divorce to end your same-sex marriage.

Same-sex marriage became legal in California in June, 2008, after the California Supreme Court ruled that restricting marriage to heterosexual relationships was unconstitutional. (In re Marriage Cases (2008) 43 Cal.4th 757). In November, 2008, the voters passed Proposition 8, a constitutional amendment outlawing same-sex marriage.

However, the California Supreme Court ruled in 2009 that same-sex marriages during the five-month window in 2008 remain valid (Strauss v. Horton (2009) 46 Cal.4th 364), so you really are married.

As a result, you will need to formally end both the marriage and the domestic partnership. Luckily, you should be able to end both in the same case.

Use form FL-103 (Petition - Domestic Partnership/Marriage) instead of FL-100 (Petition-Marriage) and check the boxes for both “Domestic Partnership” and “Marriage.” The form asks questions about both the marriage and the domestic partnership; be sure to answer all of the questions. If one spouse files a response, be sure to use FL-123 (Response-Domestic Partnership/Marriage) instead of FL-120 (Response-Marriage). All the other forms should be the same as a standard divorce case.

The only thing that might make a difference is if you have not been living in California. Domestic partners who registered in California can divorce here even if they no longer live in the state, but married couples have to meet residency requirements –six months in California, and three months in the county where the divorce is filed.

If neither spouse meets those requirements, you can start the marriage portion of the case as a legal separation (which does not have the same residency requirements) then change it to a divorce once one spouse meets the requirements. That would be a way to start the case right away and speed up your final judgment of dissolution.

Book Talk: Lucille Lang Day at Avid Reader

2012-11-30T05:44:35Z

On Sunday, Dec. 2 at 2 p.m., Lucille Lang Day will read from her new book, “Married at Fourteen: A True Story,” (Heyday 2012) at The Avid Reader, Sacramento. Poet, author, recipient of several awards, including the Joseph Henry Jackson Award for her first book of poetry, Lang Day also holds degrees in English, creative writing, zoology and science and mathematics education. Her work has been widely published, most recently in “Tule Review,” a publication of the Sacramento Poetry Center. Joining her will be Sacramento poet and artist, Susan Kelly-DeWitt.

* * *

“Married at Fourteen: A True Story” by Lucille Lang Day
Heyday
ISBN 978-1-59714-198-7
2012, 333 pp., $16.95
Local interest, memoir, poetry

Let me begin by saying that I am not a fan of memoir. Now let me say that this is one of the best books I’ve read in a very long time, memoir or otherwise. Being a fan of the first line, I was engaged from the start. “I own a switchblade knife. It has a black plastic handle with two brass buttons.” And I remained with the book until the end, which, by the way, is a poem.

Not only did I remain with the book until the end, I brought the book with me to appointments, to class, on the bus, to the store. A bit large for my pocket, but it fit snugly under my arm. It's smart, serious, witty and complex. Photos are woven throughout the text, adding another layer of complexity to the many stories contained within.

While the title might conjure the idea that we are to embark on a journey of woe, this is certainly not the case. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is the story of one woman’s determination during a time when there were different expectations of women. It is the story of love, loss and much joy. And a lot of escapades along the way.

You might cry, and I dare you not to laugh. If you’re like me, you’ll encourage her when she decides to go to college. And you'll get angry when obstacles arise, and you'll cheer the way she maneuvers around each potential block. You might remember Chicken Delight, having to dial the operator in case of emergency (she reminds us that 911 had not yet been invented) and motorcycle gangs. Then again, you might not.

Within each finely crafted page, you’ll discover how one young woman went from searching for a husband at the tender age of twelve to spending time with bikers, and you’ll discover how she went from high school dropout to holding several advanced degrees, including a Ph.D. in science and mathematics education.

Meet the many men who entered and left her life. There was Mark whose response to her telling him she’d reenrolled at the Oakland Adult Day School was “‘I feel betrayed. Before we got married, you said you wouldn’t go back.’” Instead of taking care of their daughter, he’d call her a bad mother and bad wife. When she told him she wanted to be a scientist, he said, “‘That’s ridiculous! Women aren’t scientists.’” Fortunately, she paid him no attention.

There's Gil. John. And there's Bob who took her to the biker party, even though he didn't think it was a good idea. And there's Birdman who asked her to be his woman, to be an Angelette. And there's the way she handled Birdman when he showed up at her house. We can't forget Pierre, the tour guide.

This is not a simple story, nor is it a singular story. While the narrator's quest for a husband drives the story forward, it is her determination to finish her education and her desire to write that parallel that quest. The narrator’s voice is strong and sure, and it is clear that Lang Day respects her audience, and as a reader, I respect her.

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The Avid Reader is located at 1600 Broadway, Sacramento, and the event is free and open to the public.

“The Bourne Legacy” & “Hope Springs”: Trying to have it both ways

2012-08-10T08:42:44Z

This may seem like an odd pair of movies to write about together but, aside from opening in the same week, they do seem to have something in common. Both seem to want to be something while also trying to be something else, for marketing purposes, and both suffer somewhat along the way as a result.

The more blatant of the two is “The Bourne Legacy” which isn’t a movie about the character Jason Bourne, but at times seems like it desperately wants to be. Without Bourne, the franchise needs a new hero but a new character has no brand equity – hence the title and the setup. We’re re-joining the action roughly where we left it, with Bourne on the run (and completely absent) but with Pamela Landy (an almost as absent Joan Allen) stirring up a fuss in Congressional hearings. This leaves the current bosses behind the various programs that have produced operatives like Bourne feeling the need to shut everything down, even if that means killing off everybody involved.

Which would be a sufficient starting point for the movie. They need to kill a bunch of people who are better at killing people than they are – which is an inherent dramatic conflict. And it’s not hard to appreciate a situation in which one of the targets, with all of the training they’ve received in not allowing themselves to become targets, would manage to in fact avoid being such a target. And so we get our Bourne surrogate, Jeremy Renner as Aaron Cross.

But the script just can’t keep away from Jason Bourne, even announcing at one point that he’s in the thick of things, despite nothing to back it up and no sight of him. And in an early training scene, we see Cross in a small cabin in the Alaskan woods, staring up at Bourne’s name carved into the wood above his bunk. Because of a need to remind us of this past character, whose name is right there in the movie’s title, the script wants us to think that this series of guys who have been plucked from obscurity and trained in the art of disappearing and maintaining perfect cover, would all take a few minutes to carve their real names into the agency’s training cabin woodwork. By about the midpoint of the movie, it’s Cross, Cross, Cross – but it sure took a lot of Bourne, Bourne, Bourne to get there.

In “Hope Springs,” we’re given the wonderful pairing of Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep as Arnold and Kay, a couple of empty nesters who have been married for 31 years. And, let’s face it, they had half of us willing to buy tickets based on that casting alone.
But the movie has to start out by having us be sympathetic to Kay who wants to rekindle the romance in a relationship that doesn’t just feature separate beds but separate bedrooms. She’s the one making the overt effort, she’s the one advocating for couples therapy. Arnold is the curmudgeon – the one who falls asleep in front of endless golf shows and locks himself away down the hallway in what used to be the guest bedroom.

And at first it seems like this is an insurmountable set of hurdles to leap – they barely even talk to each other, let alone do anything else together. But it’s also a romantic comedy so one doesn’t go in expecting tragedy. Meanwhile, for whatever demographic watches the film, it’s also likely to be a date movie or a couples night out – so you can’t risk alienating half the audience by having it all be one person’s fault (because most people are going to identify with one more than the other, regardless of gender).

Which leads to the structural problem – at some point you have to make Arnold equally sympathetic, otherwise you wouldn’t be rooting for a reconciliation – you’d be rooting for Kay to escape. These are lovely, loving people who mutually drifted apart – but who still genuinely love each other. Which gives you a second problem, in that it no longer seems like an especially difficult rift to mend.

Both movies are well acted. Obviously, Jeremy Renner and his reluctant scientist sidekick Dr. Marta Shearing, played by Rachel Weisz, don’t have the awards and résumés of Jones and Streep but they do work well together on screen when given the room to do so. There are familiar faces in the film too, pulling the strings from Washington, but “The Bourne Legacy” works best when it’s allowing itself to be “The Aaron Cross Origin Story” rather than “Hey! Remember That Bourne Guy?” The plotting is rather hamfisted, with genetic enhancements and drugs involved, to provide excuses for the action to move from location to location – otherwise, frankly, the story would play itself out in the first half hour.

When it’s simply being a convoluted chase across continents, it’s a fun ride. There are some things that don’t make much sense and a couple of others that suggest some editing after the fact (with, for example, a character who we’re told has no conscience but who doesn’t seem to act any more heinously than anybody else) – but it’s lively and intense. At times it felt more like a Bond movie than a Bourne movie – but it does what it set out to do, which is to give us a new character to follow – at least until Renner decides it’s time to move on too.

In “Hope Springs,” Jones and Streep are nicely complemented by Steve Carell in a very modest performance, existing in the role of therapist largely to uncover awkwardness for the two stars to embody as they squirm in their respective seats and discuss sex, orgasms, and their secret fantasies. And it’s fun to watch all of this unfold, although it’s almost as much fun to watch it in microcosm form in the preview. It’s clearly a great cast and it would be surprising if they didn’t create an enjoyable experience, but the story itself and the need to keep the audience (the entire audience) in a favorable disposition stops it from being anything more than a trifle.

This might not be quite so obvious, but for the recent “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel,” which also explores love, romance, and marriage with an aging cast (albeit even older), but without feeling the need to avoid characters who seem entirely unsympathetic. Of course that’s easier in a larger ensemble than when you’re focused on a single couple, but the difference is still there.

I enjoyed both movies, more so with “Hope Springs” which is simply a treat with respect to the actors involved, despite structural flaws. And “The Bourne Legacy” is a simple but fun action film once it puts its legacy behind itself – I just wish it had done so sooner and more decisively. But you could probably have just as much fun at home with, say, “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol” (also with Renner) and “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” (also with an awesome cast) on video.

Both movies are playing in wide release.

Real Relationships: The mystique of 50 Shades

2012-08-06T15:37:00Z

'50 Shades of Grey '

If you have read the trilogy you have feelings about them. The good, the bad. The possibly pornographic nature of the content. Let me say that I read the trilogy. The books were unlike anything I had ever read, but as a (relationship) writer and an avid book reader, I felt the need to figure out what they were all about. I was not prepared for what I read, but I, like half the women on earth, was gripped by the story. I must have read all three books in less than four days.

Although controversial in nature and seemingly improbable in theory, I believe this to be the reason women have been falling over themselves about the possibility of a movie being made out of the books: Christian Grey represents what every woman wants in a man and in a relationship.

Whoa. I totally just said that.

Please go back and read that sentence. Note that I said he represents, not that he is, what every woman wants.

While the majority of women are not game to be tied up, blindfolded and flogged (although I do believe there are now many more who are) every woman wants passion. The passion that Christian has for Ana is undeniable. It is different, but it is still passion.

As Ana discovered in the book, she did not like to be controlled, but she did appreciate a man who cares enough to be concerned with her daily life. Christian was (overly) concerned for her health, her safety and her well-being. Women want to be fussed over.

At one point in the book Ana flees Christian and his lifestyle without telling him. She was scared and confused. However, he pursued her. Every woman wants to be pursued.

Christian's ostentatious displays of wealth borderline on obnoxious in the books, but every woman wants to be taken care of. Physically, emotionally and mentally.

Christian called and emailed Ana a lot. However, his communication conveyed a very important message: He was thinking of her. Women want to be at the top of someone’s mind.

Christian ultimately altered his hard limits and ingrained lifestyle to accommodate the love he had for Ana. He married her. Women want to be worth the sacrifice.

One characteristic that Christian possessed that was not hard to grasp was his unashamed ability to tell Ana how beautiful he thought she was. He was also amazed by her and told her daily. Women want to be cherished. They want you to be proud of them.

Last but not least, Christian is touted as the most beautiful man on earth. That doesn't hurt, but I do not believe that is the basis of the worldwide obsession.

Although no woman I know subjects herself to the extreme nature of behavior that was displayed in “50 Shades of Grey,” the underlying characteristics of Christian Grey are what make women across the world fall all over themselves while reading this book.

If there were any guys who have read the books (so far I have not met any willing to admit it), they too might discover a bit of Christian in themselves through his desire to dominate. Maybe not with whips and chains, or even an overbearing attitude, but a man loves a woman who allows him to lead. In an age of feminism and liberation, the "traditional" roles of men and women have been cast aside, but I do believe that most men still hold the desire to be the leader of their own relationship.

Passion, concern, capability, thoughtfulness, sacrifice, appreciation, compromise, desire and control. These are the things that make the world of intimate relationships go round.

The book is extreme. The book is controversial. It is not for everyone.

However, I am willing to guarantee that when they make the movie, the ticket sales will go through the roof because this is the ultimate love story. Groups of girls will flock to the theater to see a visual representation of what this perfect man looks like in "real life." They will envy Ana. They will ignore the explicitly graphic and sometimes uncomfortable sex scenes because in their mind, it is the ultimate show of love, respect and passion. They will walk away missing Christian; missing everything that he is, everything that he does.

Men, consider yourselves warned. If this book truly is made into a movie, you better be ready when she walks in the door after seeing it.

“50 Shades of Grey” baby boom indeed.

Real Relationships: Future or family?

2012-07-23T15:17:51Z

Q: I know that my boyfriend wants to get married and I think he wants to propose soon, but I have talked with my dad and he said that if my boyfriend asks, he won't give his blessing. It really hurts to know my dad doesn't approve of him, but I love my boyfriend so much. He is exactly the kind of man I have always wanted to marry. I love my dad, but I don't want him to dictate how the rest of my life turns out. I don't know how to make peace with my dad but still marry the man I love.

A: That is a really hard situation to be in. I can understand how hurt you must be that your father does not accept the feelings you have for your boyfriend or the decisions you have made. Having a parent's blessing, particularly a father's blessing, is a very special thing. I encourage you to speak in length with your father about his thoughts on this issue. Why does he feel that way? What would need to change for him to extend his blessing? Does he have some specific concerns about your relationship and future?

Once you have heard your father's perspective, use that information to make your next decision. Do you respectfully disagree with his opinion and would like to move on as is? If so, understand that any decisions that you make that your father has specifically spoken out against may sever or severely disrupt the relationship that you have with him. That is a very serious life decision.

On the other hand, finding the person that you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with is also a very important decision, and one that will affect you on a very daily, personal level. If you know that you are making the right decision, then you cannot allow anyone else to interfere with your ultimate happiness — your happiness and your boyfriend's happiness. Your first obligation is to yourself. Ideally, everyone would be on the same page, but if that is not possible then you have to move on.

Just be mindful of how others in your life feel about your relationship. If everyone is against it, take that into consideration. Family and friends typically have your best interests at heart. You have a rough decision ahead of you. Good luck!

If you have a topic or question that you would like to see featured on Real Relationships, email sacpress@live.com.

Real Relationships: Pursue your passions

2012-07-16T15:19:28Z

“Real Relationships.” It’s back. I took a short hiatus because life has been hectic for me. As you may have guessed, this isn't a full-time job for me; actually it isn't a job at all, more like a labor of love. I took a few months off because I didn't have time to manage everything I have going in my life, and this was the easiest thing to toss away. I realized that I can make a very obvious, if not lame, comparison to relationships here.

Sometimes we get busy. If you are like me, it is more like occasionally you are not busy, but most of the time you are. It pained me, as I was thinking about how much I missed this little weekly installment, that I was so cavalier with it. Why didn't I toss away the few hours that I like to spend reading each week? Oh yeah, I love that too. Hmmmm, what about the time I spend drinking my morning coffee on Saturdays before the craziness takes over? Well, I am selfish with that time. Needless to say, I have decided that regardless of the busy nature of my world, I will not forsake the things (and people) I love, so I am going to figure it out.

That brings me to the loose comparison of my love for this column and the relationships in your life. When your life becomes overwhelming, busy and hectic, do you often toss aside what you love most because you're confident it will be there waiting for you when you are ready to make it a priority again? I know, when said like that it seems kind of coldhearted, but it is true. Sometimes it is your intimate relationships, or your friends or even a physical pursuit you love (reading, running, biking, sports, knitting, etc.). It is easy to set these loves aside because ignoring them isn't likely to get you fired, as it would if you set aside your job for a while. However, despite how much you enjoy your job, is that where your happiness ultimately lies? Probably not.

More than likely your happiness lies in your relationships, in your hobbies; things that live in your heart. Don't ignore those things. Don't let go of the true passions of your heart, the people you love or the ideals that make you who you are, just because life gets a little busy. Sometimes that means saying no to activities. Sometimes that means getting a little less sleep to fit in what really matters. Sometimes that means letting go of an obligation you have that isn't paramount to the greater success of your life. Sometimes that means asking for help.

Do what you need to do to reorganize the priorities in your life and place your relational health at the top of the list: personal relationships, intimate relationships and your relationship with yourself. I am working to do this in my own life. I want to get back to pursuing my passions, not just running the race that keeps me above water. Join me?

As always, if you have a topic or question you'd like to see addressed in “Real Relationships,” email me at sacpress@live.com.

Real Relationships: Animals

2012-05-14T15:50:13Z

Pets.

Loveable.

Frustrating.

All-consuming?

I seen this more often than I would like. Person A has dog (or cat or bird or whatever). Person A finds themselves in a committed relationship with Person B. Person B does not like animals. Person A is torn. They love their Ruffy, but they also kind of dig Person B. What to do, what to do.

Why should you have to choose? If you are an animal lover and you had your best friend before you got in this semi-serious relationship, the incoming significant other needs to understand that your pet is your companion. If they are an animal hater, that is likely to cause some serious dissention in your relationship.

I would hate to see relationships fail because of an animal, but I am willing to go out on a limb and say that if you do not agree on your love (or hate) for animals, there may be other differing points of view that will ultimately be the demise of your relationship.

There are exceptions. There always are (see: allergies).

Is it generalizing for me to say that people who hate animals often hate a lot of other things in life? Too bad, I am saying it anyway. Let me follow that up by saying I have no issues with people who do not like animals. I don't understand them, nor would I ever marry one, but that is their right!

My point is that if you love animals and plan on having them as part of your life ’til death do you part, it isn't likely that you will find romantic bliss with someone who hates animals. Animals are part of your life, much like children. They are always there, always need attention and require a financial investment. Better be in agreement about all those things before you commit your, and your pet's, life to this person.

Just a piece of advice, if you are entering into a new relationship and you have a pet you love to death: Introduce the pet and the new love sooner rather than later. That introduction will tell you more than you think.

If you are one of the animal haters (dislikers) I am referring to, beware: Animal (particularly dog) owners will absolutely judge you on how you interact with animals. Keep that in mind when you push Ruffy away because he is getting dog hair on you. I'm not saying you should pretend. I just want you to be aware of it.

Have a relationship question or topic? Email sacpress@live.com.

Real Relationships: Who Gets the Friends?

2012-04-23T15:22:27Z

There are a number of lame decisions that you have to make about your life when you break up with (or divorce) your significant other. One of the worst decisions to be made is how you deal with mutual friendships. Most couples have other "couple friends" or mutual single friends that are part of a group. Well, how awkward is it (particularly if the break-up was messy) to continue to hang out with your mutual friends if your ex is there as well.

I suppose it is only awkward if you make it awkward, but consider how your friends must feel. Where does their allegiance lie? Are they trying to figure out how to split their time between the two of you separately, but equal? When they host a party or plan a group dinner, do they agonize about the invitations and how they can avoid being put in an awkward situation? Are you going to get mad at them when they pick your ex over you and stop inviting you to functions?

Let’s be honest, there is absolutely no ideal way to handle this situation unless you and your ex broke up but are still besties. Your friends get caught in the middle until someone makes a decision about who they want to stay friends with and you get dropped from the picture. It sucks, but it happens all. the. time! Of course it sucks the most for the person cut out of the picture, but no one feels good about the situation. Your friends (ex-friends) probably agonized about the situation for days on end until they made their decision. They also likely discussed it with the other friends in the group and came to a mutual conclusion that they would only see you on a one-on-one basis to avoid any awkward confrontations.

So, you have now been cut out of your "mutual friends" group. What do you do now? Kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum? I hope not. That isn't going to change the situation and more importantly, do you really want to FORCE people to stay your friend?

You likely have some personal friends that were yours from school or that you typically hang out with alone. Cling to those friends. In addition to them, here is a thought - try making some new friends. Invite a co-worker to drinks or your neighbor over for dinner. Branch out.

When you see your ex-friends in the grocery store or at a concert, say hello, but don't linger. They are already feeling so awkward and guilty for picking your ex over you that they probably tried to run the other way when they saw you across the aisle. Impress them with your mature reaction to a lame situation.

You are probably disagreeing with me on my advice. You likely think that if they were your friends too, why should you have to give them up? Aren't you both mature enough to hang in the same group even though you aren't together? That would be nice; however, if life were that easy you probably wouldn't have broken up in the first place. Furthermore, you didn't "give your friends up.” They gave you up in favor of your ex.

They were forced to make a choice, it was made and you pretty much have to live with it. Instead of pouting about it, use the opportunity to make a clean break and surround yourself with people who like you for you and make you a better person.

Good luck.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com.

Ask the County Law Librarian - Who gets the Engagement Ring in a Break-up?

2012-04-12T21:16:59Z

Q. I have been with my girlfriend for a long time and we got engaged on Valentine’s Day. I saw text messages on her phone I didn’t like and asked her about it. Now she says I am jealous and broke off the engagement, but she won’t give me the ring back, even though I asked her a bunch of times. How can I make her give me the ring back since she is the one who broke my heart?

Dwayne

A. Sorry to hear about your situation, break ups can be hard on everyone. Believe me you are not the first person with this issue. In fact, California has enacted a law that covers this topic. The California Civil Code § 1590 states:

Where either party to a contemplated marriage in this State makes a gift of money or property to the other on the basis or assumption that the marriage will take place, in the event that the donee refuses to enter into the marriage as contemplated or that it is given up by mutual consent, the donor may recover such gift or such part of its value as may, under all of the circumstances of the case, be found by a court or jury to be just.

The donee is the person who is receiving the ring, while the donor is the person giving the ring.

If after reading the law, you still feel you are entitled to the ring, you should ask for it back in writing with a demand letter. You can get help writing your demand later on the California Courts Self-Help Website. If she still refuses, you may need to take your case to Small Claims Court, where you can sue for return of the ring or for its value up to $10,000. However, if you were a big spender, and the ring is worth more than that, you may want to pursue your case in Superior Court, where there is no limit.

For more information on Small Claims, at the law library, we suggest reading Everybody’s Guide to Small Claims Court in California, a very useful book on the small claims process. Every county in California has a Small Claims Advisor that can assist you with your case free of charge. You can find county-specific court information, including how to contact your Small Claims Advisor, at h ttp://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-advisors.htm .

You can always do more in-depth research at the Sacramento County Public Law Library. The law library has print and electronic resources and expert reference law librarians are available to assist you. You may wish to begin your in-depth research with a book that discusses this issue in more detail, such as Witkin’s Summary of California Law. Volume 13 contains the topic, “Personal Property,” and § 154 is titled “Revocation of Gift in Contemplation of Marriage.”

Do you have a question for the County Law Librarian? Just email sacpress@saclaw.org. If your question is selected your answer will appear in next Thursday's column. Even if your question isn't selected, though, I will still respond within two weeks.

Coral Henning, Director
@coralh & @saclawlibrarian

www.saclaw.org

Real Relationships: It isn't easy

2012-04-09T15:33:11Z

Romantic relationships are hard. Whether you are in a brand new dating relationship, a lifelong marriage or some kind of awkward in-between stage, there is no easy relationship. If it is easy every day, you may not be doing it right.

Real relationships take focus, dedication and time. There are so many contributing factors to the health of your personal relationships, such as work, family, finances, personalities, history, and the list goes on and on. However, looking these challenges in the face while you succeed at your relationship is rich satisfaction. You came, you saw, you conquered.

Dating is rough. Can't say I have done it in a long time, but I am very close to those who are. I think it gets even harder as you get older. How do you reconcile the seemingly perfect person sitting at dinner with you, with the string of failed relationships and jobs in their past? When do you look past the history in order to write the future? Conversely, when do you read the past as a signal to walk away? There is no right answer. Every person, every relationship is different.

This is my personal short list for making relationships work. These actions apply to long-term relationships and dating relationships alike.

Be a listener. Being a good listener will serve you well in every single part of your life, but particularly in your relationship. If you don't know how to listen, I suggest you learn. Listen when it is serious, listen when it is funny. Listen when it is personal and listen when it is public.
Be open. Do not confuse being open with being reckless. Relationships are life, and life is relationships. Do not be casual about who you spend your life with, but do not be so cautious that you block out the best thing that ever could've happen to you. Be open to compromise and change when love requires it.
Be present. Relationships grow when they are treated with tender loving care. Being available doesn't always mean physically. Whether you are on the phone, writing an email or physically in each other’s presence, pay attention.
Be available. Make your relationship a priority. If you don't, you can't expect someone else to.
Be yourself. Keep in mind that everyone changes and grows, but whatever you grow and change into, be that person.

Relationships are not easy, but they are worth it.

Relationship question or topic? Email sacpress@live.com. Look for "Real Relationships" every Monday on sacramentopress.com!

Real Relationships: The 50/50 Split

2012-03-12T15:32:30Z

It is a big decision. Moving in together, making meals together, paying bills together. Moving in with your significant other might be the best decision you have ever made... or it might break you up.

The single most difficult decision to make when moving in together? How do we split the bills?

Rent, phone bill, cable, groceries and on and on and on. You need new furniture, appliances and a bigger bed. The expenses add up, which is tension enough, but you need a solid plan (before you make this decision) about your finances.

There are a few methods to consider:

1. Combine your funds in one account and pay from there.
Let me be the first to say that I do not recommend this option unless you are getting married. Do you have any idea how hard it is to separate those finances if it doesn't work out? You might as well be getting a divorce without the attorney. In fact, if this goes south you might need an attorney to figure it out!

2. Tally up a list of all shared expenses and divide them up equally for each person to pay.
In my experience this is the most common method. It is the least amount of personal commitment but has pretty good results as far as equality. If unexpected expenses come up, those are taken on an individual basis. I recommend applying this to other parts of your relationship such as vacations and dinners out. Take turns paying so that no one is left in the financial lurch.

3. Maintain separate bank accounts but open a "common fund" account.
Each person deposits enough money in every month to cover half the bills,and all bills are paid out of that account. If it doesn't work out, the account is simply closed. There should be additional funds in it because there is only enough in there to cover the bills in the first place.

As you know, I always recommended making decisions like these (or any relational decisions) together. Whatever method you choose is immaterial if you are in agreement about it. If you aren't sure what is right for your relationship, run down a little list of what each one of these options would look like for you. Forecast the bills that you have and how much they cost each month. Figure out how much each of you owes per month, how difficult it would be to split up the payments or if you are prepared to combine accounts for the long haul.

Everyone is different, and whatever decision you make isn't wrong if it is agreed upon. Just remember that finances is a touchy subject and can be the cause of major dissension. Talk about it up front and make decisions that you can stick to. That way you set yourself up for success, rather than eminent failure.

Happy spending!

Do you have a method that works for your relationship?

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com.

Locals to ask mayor to support same-sex marriage

2012-02-14T03:32:05Z

Marriage rights activists will deliver a petition asking Mayor Kevin Johnson to join other mayors in support of same-sex marriage Tuesday morning at City Hall in a move they said they hope will cause him to consider endorsing Mayors for the Freedom to Marry.

“We’re not trying to force anybody’s hand or be aggressive in any way,” said Neil Pople, communications director for the Stonewall Democratic Club of Greater Sacramento and author of the petition. It has more than 300 signatures and is posted here. “We want to positively encourage the mayor and let him know that there are people who want this to happen.”

Last week’s ruling by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals against Proposition 8 – an amendment to the California Constitution that defines marriage as being between a man and a woman – was not the main thrust behind the petition drive, according to Pople, who said he started it several weeks ago.

“It started picking up progress around that time, but that wasn’t when it started,” he said.

The original goal was to get 200 signatures, and Pople said that seeing more than 300 on the petition Monday was “fantastic.”

While anybody – gay or straight, Sacramentan or not – can sign the petition, Pople said he thinks signatures from locals will be the ones that have the most impact on the mayor, as they are his constituents.

“I’m hopeful that people will listen to what’s right and wrong and treat each other with dignity,” he said. “I was born in Sacramento, and I want to eventually get married, and I want to be able to do that in my hometown."

Coordinating the delivery of the petition will be Roy Westfall, who said he, local Democrats and others will deliver the petition at 10 a.m. Tuesday.

“I have a partner of three years, and this is important to me,” Westfall said. “I want my mayor to support my rights, and there’s a big difference between personal beliefs and the government’s actions. This is about separation of church and state.”

Johnson’s representatives did not return messages left Monday by press time.

Brandon Darnell is a staff reporter for The Sacramento Press. Follow him on Twitter @Brandon_Darnell.

Real Relationships: Mother-in-law vs Daycare

2011-11-21T20:09:00Z

Q: My husband and I recently had a baby (five months ago), and now I am looking to go back to work full time. I have looked in to the cost of care for our son, but the prices are outrageous. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law has offered to care for our son every day that I am working. While this seems like a perfect and inexpensive solution, I am not wild about how my mother-in-law handles my son.

My husband and I have a very particular way we handle our son, and my mother-in-law doesn't always follow our directions when she watches him. I am afraid that without consistency he will be confused as he grows older about what is and is not right, what he can get away with, and he will waiver from the eating/sleeping schedule he has become accustom to.

It would be nice to save the money by having her watch him, but in the long run I don't even know if it is worth it! My husband is on my side, but at the same time we can't stomach spending so much money when we have an alternative. I am torn.

A: I think you already know this, but your son comes first. If you truly are not comfortable with your mother-in-law watching him, then you need to find an alternative. However, it appears that your concerns are a little less severe, and they are more a difference of opinion on how to raise your son. While it is important to stay consistent while raising children, remember that she is a grandma now, and grandparents are meant to spoil children rotten.

That said, you need to be very clear about your expectations and ground rules to your mother-in-law if she truly wants to watch him every day. Make a list of your daily routine that she can follow. If you have any specific requests about his feeding, diaper changing and entertainment, be very clear about them.

It is OK for you to be picky about the upbringing of your child. Hopefully your mother-in-law has his best interest at heart and loves him and will respect your wishes once laid out clearly.

Meanwhile, enjoy going back to work!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in "Real Relationships".

Real Relationships: Bridesmaid from hell

2011-10-24T20:26:56Z

Q: I am getting married in six months. I asked my three best friends and my sister to be in my wedding. Fortunately, I could make my sister my maid of honor so that I didn't have to deal with friend drama and jealousy. Unfortunately, I am still dealing with drama with my friends.

One in particular has not been the ideal bridesmaid. She is extremely opinionated about everything I choose for my wedding, particularly the dresses, and, frankly, it is more of a headache to deal with her than I am interested in. She has been my friend forever, but I am two minutes away from telling her she can just come as a guest. What do I do?

A: There is really only one course of action here. She can put up and shut up, or she is out. Is that too harsh? I have zero tolerance for friends who fail to realize that being a bridesmaid is about one thing: supporting your friend through the stress of getting married. However, maybe she doesn't realize what a pain she is, so inform her and then give a gentle ultimatum.

Sit her down (with or without your other bridesmaids, your choice) and let her know that you really need her to be supportive right now, not judgmental. Perhaps cite some specific examples where you felt attacked, not supported. Remind her that you asked her because you are friends, but you don't have time to deal with her crap.

If she isn't interested in swallowing your criticism, then give her the option to back out gracefully, no harm to the friendship, and join the festivities as a guest. She shouldn't need reminding that this process is about you and your future husband and that she really doesn't have a say in the decision-making.

It is OK to offer suggestions and opinions to a certain degree, but once you have made a decision, she needs to live with it. I know this will likely be an awkward conversation and potentially emotional, but if she is really your friend, she will see the light and hopefully step up to support you through this process.

Good luck!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: The wrong kind of friendship

2011-09-26T16:01:32Z

Q: Let me preface this by saying I am not a catty or jealous girl.

However, my husband has begun hanging out semi-regularly with a few of his female co-workers that have been his friends for several years (some before I was in the picture), and it makes me a little uncomfortable. First of all, he never invites me, which is odd, and secondly they are flirty and suggestive when they are around him, and I don't like it. Although some of them are single, a few are married, and I wonder how it makes their husbands feel!

How do I let him know the situation makes me uncomfortable without seeming like I am just attacking his female friends?

A: First of all, let me just say that this situation sucks. It is a no-win, at least a "no one walks away feeling great about the result" kind of situation. That said, you need to talk to your husband. Notice I didn't say "confront" him. This is not the kind of situation where you want to start throwing out accusations and giving ultimatums.

Remember, these girls are his friends and he has known them longer than he has known you. That doesn't mean he has the right to disregard your feelings about them, but keep in mind he probably doesn't know your feelings.

I suggest that you sit him down, let him know that you are a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that he spends a lot of time with them for a few reasons:

He never invites you. If these girls are such a large part of his life, you would like to get to know them better. Perhaps you can plan a few group outings or invite them all over to your place one evening.
If he has begun hanging out with them more often, what has changed? Is there anything he wants to talk to you about that is bothering him?
The behavior these girls have exuded when you have seen them bothers you a bit. You feel they are too forward and it makes you uncomfortable. If you trust him but not them, make sure he knows that you aren't calling your trust in him into question.

Getting your feelings out in the open but offering some helpful suggestions or alternatives is a good place to start. It is likely that he is going to react a bit defensively either to your assumption that his friends are behaving inappropriately or that he is. Make sure you assure him that you are not accusing him of any wrongdoing, but that you wanted him to know how you felt and that you would like to be included when he hangs out with members of the opposite sex.

That said, make sure you are extending him the same courtesy. Don't be a hypocrite. Good luck.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in “Real Relationships.”

Real Relationships: The In-laws

2011-09-05T21:29:51Z

Q: I know everyone has this problem, but it doesn't seem like anyone has an answer: in-laws.

My wife's parents are terrific people, but they always want to do things with us, invite us places, have dinners, come to our house, have us to their house and on and on and on. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. It is hard to say no because I feel like they are disappointed when we don't do things with them, plus it seems like my wife likes to be with them that often.

How do I breech the topic of not seeing her parents so often?

A: Mayday, mayday! Abort mission! Just kidding.Seriously though, this is going to be a sensitive topic if you are reading the situation correctly and your wife doesn't see an issue with hanging with her parents all the time.

Without knowing her and her personality, I can predict she will react one of three ways: 1) she will get incredibly defensive and accuse you of not really loving her family, 2) she will break down into an emotional mess and wonder if you really love her family and her, or 3) she will listen to your feelings calmly with an open mind and discuss options rationally that will make you both happy.

Only you know what kind of woman you married, so mentally prepare yourself before you bring it up for the most likely response. I will offer you these suggestions:

If you love her famiy and enjoy spending time with them, be honest about that fact but explain that seeing anyone that often is too much. If you are not wild about her family, consider keeping that info to yourself and moving on to the next step...
Offer suggestions about getting together at a frequency you are comfortable with (once a month, twice a month, etc.).
Suggest that she spend some time with her parents without you. You don't have to do everything together, and that will allow her to see them while giving you a much needed break.
When you do get together with them, suggest new things to do that will be fun for everyone and allow you to enjoy each other's company that much more.

You are a brave man and I wish you the best. Family situation are the most sensitive to broach, especially when they have to do with your spouse’s family. Good luck!

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Baby Fever

2011-08-29T16:10:29Z

Q: My husband and I have been married for a little over two years. I have really enjoyed the time together, but now I am ready to have a baby. I have always wanted to be a mother and can't wait to hold my own little one in my arms. All of my friends are either pregnant or just had a baby.

My husband isn't on the same page as me. He isn't ready and thinks we should still wait another year or two. How can I bring him around to my way of thinking?

A: Having a baby is not the kind of decision you want to make alone. You and your husband need to be in 100 percent agreement before you even start trying to have a baby. There are a hundred things to consider, not the least of which are your jobs, your financial security and the maturity of your marriage.

I know you want to hop of the same baby train your friends are riding, but don't rush ahead of life and make a rash decision to the detriment of your marriage and your child's future. Think through all the angles and determine if you truly are prepared to bring a child into the world and give it all the love, care and attention it needs and deserves.

Once you and your husband are in agreement about moving forward with your family plans, that will be the right time to start.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Single mom of 1

2011-08-01T15:46:04Z

Q: I am a single mother with a 5-year-old daughter. Her father has not been a part of our lives for many years. I have been on several dates, but it is hard to get past the first date when I feel the need to drop the "I have a kid" bomb on them before anything serious develops.

It seems like there is no guy on earth who is willing to take on that kind of baggage, regardless of how well we hit it off. I am pretty frustrated, but at the same time I don't feel like keeping that from guys until later in the dating process is the right decision either.

How do I get to the next step in dating without selling out my first priority, my daughter, in the process?

A: You are absolutely right: Keeping the fact that you have a daughter "hidden" from any potential "significant other" is not the right decision.

If you are dating just to have fun on dates, then you could probably wait a few dates before you dropped the bomb, but I sense that is not your purpose. You are dating to find a life partner — someone who is ready and willing to not only complement you in life but who is prepared to help you raise your daughter and be a father to her.

If that is the case, then weeding out anyone who isn't interested in that responsibility is an absolute must. Don't waste your time. I hope there is some guy out there just waiting for you and your precious daughter to come along.

After you have prepped your date and his doesn't tuck tail and run, offer to make date No. 2 a "family date" and do something with your daughter. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but let them interact and see how he responds to her and vice versa. Children are excellent judges of character. Bringing in a man is a decision that you and your daughter probably will need to make together, so allow her to help you screen them.

Meanwhile, good luck and happy dating.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Love or Dreams?

2011-07-11T15:40:13Z

Q: I have been married for 4 1/2 years. I love my husband very much. I wouldn't say we disagree on much except one very important topic: what I want to do with my life.

I am just about to graduate from college with a degree in English and a minor in Journalism. When I started nearly six years ago, I thought I wanted to be a teacher or writer, but since then I have realized that my true passion is working with abused women. I volunteered at a shelter a year or so ago and realized that I could spend the rest of my life doing that. However, there is very little money to be made in it and we need a double income in our family to survive.

My husband, although normally supportive, would really like me to find a steady job. I just don't see myself throwing this dream aside, but I don't want to make it a huge issue between us. Should I pursue my dream or stay in the reality of bills and stick with a "real job”?

A: Your passionate dream is a very noble one. Working with battered women is an emotionally draining but very needed profession. You are right, though. Shelters and nonprofits are often short-staffed, under-funded and struggling to keep their doors open. Your job will likely always be in jeopardy, and you may struggle to pay your bills. All of those things, combined with your husband’s obvious reluctance to send you off to pursue your dream is likely to cause some strife in your relationship.

I am a believer in pursuing one's dreams. Life is short, and we only live it once. However, we also live in reality, and with reality comes responsibility. You know what monthly income your family needs to live above the line. You know how to keep peace in your relationship. I encourage you to perhaps find a job (as if that is an easy task these days) that can help you provide for your family and thus lessen the stress your husband may be feeling. Shelters are always looking for passionate and qualified volunteers to help fill the gaps their dwindling budgets leave behind.

Take five to 10 hours a week to volunteer at the shelter so that you can still pursue your dream but provide for your family while doing it. You never know — once you begin working there on a regular basis, one of two things might happen: You may decide this is not what you wanted, or other opportunities may arise as you immerse yourself into the community and meet people who will allow you to pursue it full-time.

Although life doesn't always give us the options we want to pursue our dream wholeheartedly while still making ends meet, you do have an option here to try to walk both lines. I wish you luck and hope you find your perfect place.

Have a relatonship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: No excuse for abuse

2011-06-06T15:48:10Z

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years. We have talked about getting married someday, but we both want to finish school first, which is a few years off. The first few years of our relationship were really great, simple and fun-loving, but it seems as life gets more complicated and demanding (or as we grow up) that things have become more strained between us.

He has a pretty short temper and gets upset at me sometimes (for some pretty stupid things, in my opinion). He has never hit me or anything, but the things he says to me are hurtful. I want to get us help, but I don't even know how to bring the subject up. I am afraid if I suggest that he get help for his temper that it will be the worst fight we have had yet. Any advice?

A: First of all, I know you said he has never hit you, but sometimes these things are a progressive habit. If you have ever felt like that is the next step, I encourage you to get out right now, before you ever find out. There is never an excuse for abuse, and often verbal attacks can leave you just, if not more, scarred than physical attacks.

If you are serious about trying to pursue help in your relationship, first take stock of what is currently going on to decide if the relationship is worth saving. How often are you fighting? Of those times, how often does he lose his temper? Have you ever been physically or emotionally afraid of him?

How often do the two of you have fun together? Do you share your feelings about other things in life with him, or is that much even too stressful? You can see where I am going with this. Is this relationship worth trying to save, only to have it continue to go downhill?

I have to stress this: The first and foremost concern has to be your physical, mental and emotional safety. If you cannot express your fears, desires and hopes to this man for fear of his temper, I do not think this is the right relationship for you. Love is a safe zone. It is not supposed to threaten your well-being.

If you are interested in speaking with a licensed professional about your current relationship issues, here is a link to some local therapists in the area. Meanwhile, talk to someone close to you who you trust and who loves you. Stay safe and remember that you have to put your own well-being first.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: Nothing in common

2011-05-30T18:00:22Z

Q: Do most couples, when they get into their more comfortable years, still do a lot of things together? I am still madly in love with my husband, but we never do anything together. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his friends and hobbies, and never the two shall meet. Is that normal? I kind of want to do things together, but I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

A: Never fear. You are normal. I know a lot of seasoned married couples who don't spend much of their downtime doing activities together. It doesn't mean you are growing apart, just that you have different tastes and likes and are comfortable enough with each other to be apart. That said, I think trying to find a few things to do together will only enrich your relationship that much further. Spending quality time with your partner in a stress-free setting is priceless, so I encourage you to find something that you both enjoy and do it together.

Perhaps each of you can take an opportunity to introduce the other to one of your hobbies, or find something completely new to try. Going out to eat together is always an easy solution if you have the budget to accommodate such luxury. Going for walks together in the early evening is a free and relaxing way to wind down as well.

Ask your friends what they do with their spouses. Maybe they'll have a good idea for you to try. Needless to say, independence in your relationship is a good thing, but finding time together is also a great thing.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: The concept of religion

2011-05-23T11:56:24Z

Q: I feel so old-school even asking this, but do couples need to have the same religious beliefs anymore to make it work? My boyfriend and I don't really believe the same spiritually and I wonder if it will become an issue for us in the future. Does he need to convert to Catholicism before I can consider settling down with him?

A: There is no right or wrong answer to this question, nor is there one answer that is going to work in every situation. Religion and spirituality means different things to every person, and how that effects your intimate relationships really depends on you.

For instance, are you a weekly, daily or holiday Mass attendee? Do you go to confession? Do you pray the rosary? Do you observe Lent? As you have probably guessed, I am wondering how committed you are to your faith, because that is ultimately going to determine how important it is to you that your partner be of the same religious persuasion.

I think it is important that, even though your boyfriend doesn't believe exactly as you do (or maybe he just doesn't practice), that he doesn't believe in anything that is contradictory to what you believe. If you are a committed churchgoer and he is not, you two need to be in agreement about your attendance at church and your time commitment there so that it does not become a sore spot in your relationship.

As for whether or not you must believe the same thing, it certainly can't hurt, but I think that if both of you have a complete understanding of the other person's feelings and expectations, and are in agreement, then you should be OK.

Have a relationship questions? Send them to sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Realationships: Impatiently waiting for him to "Pop THE Question"

2011-04-25T15:56:44Z

Q: My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage for at least a year now. We know we want to get married, and I feel like we are ready. Actually, I feel like we have been ready for months, and I thought he felt the same way, but still no ring. I am trying not to read into it, but I am starting to worry maybe he is having second thoughts about wanting to marry me. We used to talk more about getting married, but all that conversation seems to have stopped. So am I freaking out for no reason or do I have a boyfriend who is about to turn and flee?

A: While I try to talk you off the ledge, consider this: Every guy wants to take his girlfriend by super surprise when he asks her to marry him. If you guys are as ready as you think you are, and you think you are both on the same page as far as what you want for your future, then it is likely that he has been plotting his proposal for quite some time now. The abrupt lack of marriage conversation could be a sure sign that he is trying to throw you off the trail.

As a disclaimer, every situation is different and you may need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious conversation and make sure you are on the same page regarding your future. Make sure you both want marriage and you agree on the time frame for your future. The last thing you want to have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.

My gut feeling is that you have nothing to worry about. Don't ruin it for yourself by over analyzing the situation. If he is working really hard to surprise you, don't blow it. If in another three months nothing has changed and you are still getting the vibe that he may be having second thoughts, then sit down and talk. Until then, just let it happen.

Have a realtionship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Realationships.

Real Relationships

2011-04-11T15:18:45Z

Q: I have a super tough decision to make. I am currently dating a girl that I would consider my best friend in the world. She is great. We have been dating for nearly four years. There isn't much wrong with our relationship except one thing: I am pretty sure we aren't actually in love with each other. So here comes the tough decision part. Do we break up because we can never see ourselves actually getting married, or do we stay together because we fear losing the single most important person in our life? I don't know what to do. I can't lose her, but I don't want to ruin our chances of actually finding someone we are in love with.

A: Wow. Seriously, seriously hard question. Hard situation. I am not even sure I have a good answer for you. I can say one thing: You should never stay together with someone you don't see a future with because you are afraid of what will happen if you break up. That isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to her.

Let me ask you this: Do you know for sure she feels the same way? Do you both feel like, even though you are the best of friends, you just aren't "MFEO" (“Sleepless in Seattle” reference: "made for each other")? If that is the case, then breaking off your romantic relationship in pursuit of true love should not dampen your friendship. I know that bit of advice may seem like a contradiction to advice I gave in a previous article, but I believe your situation is unique and deserves to stand on its own merit.

You both may find that after a period of time apart that you want nothing more than to be back together and give it another shot at being romantic and trying for forever. Or you may find that this, although a tough decision, was the best possible thing and freed you both up to find someone else, and you can continue a great friendship within the bounds of other romantic relationships.

Your first step should be to talk about it. Maybe you already have, but if you haven't, I encourage you to do that right away. Be painfully honest about how much you appreciate the friendship you two have built, how scared you are of losing it and how confused you are that you two don't seem to be moving toward marriage. Then be a sounding board for her feelings. I think you'll find that after you sit down and have an honest, open and productive talk about what you both are feeling, your answer will be clear. Good luck.

Have a relationship question? Email sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships.

Real Relationships: The 7 year curse?

2011-03-14T15:32:34Z

Q: I have been reading a lot lately in the media and other places about the "seven-year itch" that they say married couples get. Some "experts" say you can't avoid it, some say it doesn't even take that long to feel it. My husband and I haven't been married seven years yet, but some days I feel like we are growing apart. I still love him, but at times I feel like we have less in common than we did when we got married. How can we avoid growing farther apart or splitting for good?

A: Although I am sure you know this, let me remind you: Marriage is extremely hard work. Couples who believe love is just going to happen for them, and that it will get stronger over time simply by virtue of them being married to each other, are fooling themselves. A committed, strong, fresh marriage takes both parties putting in effort to keep it that way.

If you feel you and your husband are drifting apart, start to think about some of the reasons you felt in love in the first place. If it helps, even jot some of them down. Putting those things down on paper will help to remind yourself why your husband is worth the effort. After you do that, think of the things you used to do together for fun before you got married and when you were newlyweds.

Life gets in our way and the first thing to go is our relaxing extracurricular activities. Make an effort to work some fun back in your relationship by revisiting the fun you had when you first fell in love. On a daily basis, make a point to compliment your husband either before he leaves for work or first thing when he gets home. Be sure to add a physical touch in, even if it is just a brush of your hand across his back.

These little additions to your relationship can bring you back to a place of connectedness, and it sounds like that is what you are missing. You don't need to make huge changes — just a few little ones here and there, and I think you'll find that you two will naturally circle back together before you know it.

Your relationship questions will be featured every Monday in Real Relationships. E-mail them to sacpress@live.com.

Real Relationships: Staying friends

2011-03-07T17:45:23Z

Q: I dated my ex-boyfriend for nearly three years, but we kind of mutually decided that we didn't have a future, so we parted ways. We have stayed in touch and have no hard feelings toward each other. We have gone out a few times with mutual friends and we always have a good time. Occasionally he'll call me if he wants to talk to an old friend. Anyway, I have started seeing someone new, who I really like, but he doesn't like the fact that I am friends with my ex. I want to stay friends with my ex, but I really like the guy I am with now. Is it wrong for me to want to stay friends with my ex? Or does my new boyfriend have a point?

A: I see this situation a lot and I think the answer is almost always the same when it comes to healthy relationships: Let the past be the past and don't allow it to ruin your future. It is good that you and your ex are friendly and not nasty to each other, but "staying friends" might be taking it too far, particularly now that you are in a new relationship. Your new boyfriend deserves all your heart, mind and soul. Even if you don't think you still have feelings for your ex, allowing yourself to walk the line between the two is dangerous, and it has no place in your new relationship.

You once had strong feelings for this man, were intimate with him and, dare I say, maybe loved him? Is it so easy to just turn those feelings off when you keep seeing him and talking to him? You broke it off for a reason. It is not fair to the new guy to keep rehashing the past. You will never fully realize the potential of your new relationship until your bury your old relationship. Allow yourself to move on and in turn allow him to move on as well. Most importantly, don't pit the two men against each other by asking yourself if it is right or wrong for your new boyfriend to not appreciate your lingering relationship with your ex. How would you feel if the tables were turned? That is what I thought...

Have a relationship question? E-mail sacpress@live.com. Questions will be featured here every Monday in "Real Relationships"

Marriage Equality Rally and March at the Capitol

2009-11-06T22:16:36Z

Over 200 people gathered Wednesday night]at the California State Capitol for a rally and march which marked the first anniversary of the passage of Proposition 8.

The event, “A Day of Smiles, Tears and Action,” was led by Equality Action NOW, a grassroots civil rights organization, along with several supporting organizations. The event also followed relevant elections in Maine and Washington on Tuesday.

In Washington, voters approved Referendum 71, keeping a law that expanded state benefits to same-sex domestic partners. In Maine, voters rejected a law passed by the state's legislature and signed by the governor that would have allowed same-sex marriages. Maine is now the 31st state to reject same-sex marriage in a popular vote.

Proposition 8 amended California law to recognize marriage only between a man and a woman.

Last year was not the first time that California voters were presented with a vote to narrow the definition of marriage. In 2000, Proposition 22 passed, approving the same language, “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.”

During his speech at the event, EAN volunteer and Camp Courage representative Chris Hauck pointed out the positive difference between the two propositions. While Proposition 22 won by over 22 points, Proposition 8 won by less than five points. Hauck also noted that Proposition 8 was not supported by a majority of voters in areas like Santa Barbara and Irvine, areas where an overwhelming majority supported Proposition 22 almost a decade ago.

Proposition 22 was eventually overturned by the California Supreme Court, allowing gay marriage for approximately five months before the passage of Proposition 8. Proposition 8 was upheld in the California Supreme Court last May in Strauss v. Horton.

As the ongoing judicial and legislative battle ensues, national groups including the American Civil Liberties Union are discouraging further legal action, saying it could do more harm than good. Instead they recommend making changes at the ballot box.

Jennie Reiken, Sacramento field manager for Equality California, strongly encouraged attendees to start canvassing. She encouraged people to educate those around them by having one-on-one conversations about their relationships.

“While the event was held to commemorate the passing of Proposition 8 and the resulting year of inequality, the rally was held to encourage people to get involved in any way they can and provide ample volunteer opportunities," EAN spokesperson Hilary Hodge said after the rally.

Following the march, several organizations made sign-up sheets available to participants. EAN recognizes there is a difference of opinion between marriage equality activists on whether to try voters again in 2010 or 2012. Whenever the issue returns to the polls, Tina Reynolds, co-founder of EAN has stated, “(EAN) does not take a stand one way or another since choosing a date has worked to polarize our community. We will be there whenever a rally, a vote, a stand needs to be made, and we will support all of our brothers and sisters in solidarity.”

In the near term, grassroots efforts in Sacramento continue, including an intensive two-day training called Camp Courage Sacramento this Saturday and Sunday. The training is designed to teach community organizing skills for marriage-equality activists. Registration information is available here. A fundraiser for Camp Courage will be held this tonight at Head Hunters located at 1930 K Street in midtown Sacramento.

A brief timeline:

March 7, 2000 – Proposition 8 passes in the Primary Election

May 15, 2008 – Proposition 22 overturned by California Supreme Court (in re: marriage cases)

Nov. 4, 2008 – Proposition 8 passes in the General Election

May 26, 2009 – Proposition 8 upheld by California Supreme Court (Strauss v. Horton)

A third way for the marriage debate

2009-03-11T06:44:42Z

The AP is reporting that a pair of college students have proposed a ballot measure that will replace the word "marriage" with the term "domestic partnership" in all state laws. Secretary of State Debra Bowen said today that supporters can begin collecting the 700,000 signatures to get the measure on the ballot. Domestic partnerships will retain all the rights of marriage, and all couples will be eligable for domestic partnership, regardless of sexual orientation.

Is this a good or bad idea? Please express yourself.