April Fool's Day

April Fools' Day: KJ joins the Kings

2011-04-01T02:48:48Z

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson has made a surprise comeback – once again playing professional basketball to help the city woo back the Sacramento Kings.

In a development that shocked the rest of the City Council and the world of professional sports, the 45-year-old former NBA All-Star joined the Kings on court at Power Balance Pavilion Tuesday. The wily and seasoned Johnson led the Kings in a 116-113 win against his old team, the Phoenix Suns.

Johnson became a blur of purple – a purple haze, if you will – in the white and purple Kings jersey he wore in place of his No. 7 Phoenix Suns jersey.

"I'll prove I'm a strong mayor!" Johnson yelled as he performed a triple-axle, leapt skyward and slammed a rebounding ball into the basket for the final two winning points. "Choke on that, Anaheim!"

More than a decade after playing his last NBA game, Johnson initially provoked confusion among the other four starting players.

"What the — ? Who is that guy?" Kings center DeMarcus Cousins muttered as KJ scorched the hardwood, scoring basket after basket.

News of the mayor's return to basketball flooded Twitter, Facebook and headlines. Fans flocked to the game, filling the arena for one more sold-out matchup.

Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof appeared caught off guard by the mayor's appearance, the latest effort in his bid to keep the team from heading to Southern California.

The brothers couldn't take their eyes off Johnson throughout the game. As Johnson made the winning basket, Gavin dropped his Carl’s Jr. Six Dollar Burger – leaving ketchup and mustard stains on his shirt and pants. Afterwards, they fled in silence to a waiting helicopter that quickly carried them back to the rooftop of the Palms Casino.

In his postgame interview, Johnson said he'd do whatever it takes to make Sacramento a "world-class city."

He vowed to continue playing until the Kings agreed to stay or he had one more chance to go up against the Los Angeles Lakers. TV cameras broadcast the interview live.

"Hey Maloofs!" he taunted. "You guys are gamblers. Let's make a bet: If I can score 50 points against the Lakers – singlehandedly – the Kings stay. It's go time!"

This story was written solely for April Fools' Day. It is entirely fictional.

April Fools' Day: Rhee: KJ a royal groomzilla

2011-04-01T01:31:21Z

Emails between Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson and his fiancée, education advocate Michelle Rhee, reveal that the couple’s nuptials have been delayed for seven months.

“Johnson is micromanaging every aspect,” of the big day, an email from Rhee to a family member said.

The couple had planned to marry last September, but the wedding has been rescheduled for an unspecified date in 2012, according to email communication obtained by The Sacramento Press.

Johnson expressed insecurity about being worthy of marrying Rhee while he serves as a weak mayor in council/manager city government.

“The perfect time for our wedding would be sometime in 2012, when I become strong mayor,” Johnson wrote in a November 2010 email. “We’re already a power couple, honey bunch, but we’ll be so much more powerful when I become strong mayor. I just don’t want to look back at our wedding photos and remember a time when I had just one vote out of nine.”

In her response, Rhee accused him of putting his public image before her own.

“I don’t know why we couldn’t get married when I was at the height of my fame in D.C.,” she said. “The wedding coverage would have softened my public image. You’re not letting me have a say in the wedding planning. I had no idea you would be such a groomzilla.”

In addition to giving orders about the timing of the wedding, Johnson is unilaterally making decisions on wedding minutiae without Rhee. Johnson was caught having lunch with the wedding planner so he could change their wedding color to green from purple shortly after the news broke that the Kings were moving to Anaheim.

“But you know I don’t care about the Kings,” Rhee wrote in a March 2 email. “I chose purple because it reminds me of us. It reflects our royal desire to change everything in the entire world.”

Rhee took Johnson’s response as another instance of him thinking of his marriage in terms of his career.

“Sweetheart, I know you like purple. I liked it, too, but it’s now associated with Sacramento failure. Green just goes so much better with my Green Initiative. And an eco-themed wedding will play so much better for us in the national media than a royal theme.”

The wedding planner is reported to have quit and it remains unclear when or if plans will resume.

This story was written solely for April Fools' Day. It is entirely fictional.

April Fools' Day: Pirates wreak havoc in Sacramento

2011-04-01T01:20:16Z

Two pirate ships were spotted dropping anchor near the Valley Prince boat in Old Sacramento Friday morning.

Dan Auldman called the Sacramento Police Department while on his morning metal detecting walk after he saw the Jolly Roger approaching.

“My trusty detector had just led me to a Seated Liberty silver dollar,” Auldman said. “I looked up at the sky feeling good about my find, and that’s when I saw the skull.”

A pileup of cars stopped traffic on either end of the Tower Bridge as the distracted driver of a DeLorean crashed into a Stinky Rose Florist delivery van.

“I was on my way to work and looked over at the river, and thought I saw a pirate ship,” Misty Ise said after the accident. “I thought I was seeing things, and I kept staring and didn’t notice my car drift into the other lane.”

No injuries have been reported at this point.

Breakfast patrons at River Way Nook were forced to evacuate around 10:30 a.m. as rats made their way into the kitchen and the dining room.

“I was so disgusted,” Rich Snawb said. “I felt a nibble on my big toe and thought it may be an ant or a bird, but it was a dirty rat.”

His wife, Dame Snawb, added, “I don’t know that we can ever come back here. The rats were everywhere. This is horrible.”

Old Sacramento businesses were witness to a couple peg-legged vagabonds stuck on the wooden walk ways.

Brad Muncher, who works for the city’s Department of Transportation, said he saw a man stuck near Overweight Town restaurant.

“On my way back from lunch, I noticed a man with a patch on his eye stuck in one of the holes,” Muncher said.

“From what I could tell, he had been stuck there for a good 15 minutes or so. I had to get back to work, so I didn’t stay.”

The pirate ships could be seen drifting away around 2 p.m. Thursday. The purpose of their visit is still unknown, but one Sacramento City Councilman thinks he was targeted.

Fob Rong said he returned home from work to find his closets and armoires raided.

“All of my silk shirts are missing,” Rong said. “My cuff links, my necklaces and my colognes from India. They’re gone.”

Rong said the burglars entered through a sliding glass door and that a metal hook was hanging from the glass when he returned.

“I don’t know anyone who wears a hook as a hand,” he said. “But why me?”

Anyone with information that could lead to the arrest of the thieves should contact the police department, said Lorm Neong, spokesman for the police department.

This story was written solely for April Fools' Day. It is entirely fictional.

April Fools' Day: Witches brew trouble for Kings

2011-04-01T01:07:51Z

Four Sacramento teens were charged with witchcraft this week, after Assistant District Attorney Will Hunt found a way to use a centuries-old law to indict residents he said are responsible for causing the Kings to flee in terror.

“This is really reprehensible behavior,” Hunt said Thursday. “They seem to think it’s just a game, but they’re impacting people’s lives, and I, for one, have had it.”

Hunt did not release the names of the four defendants because they are minors. Two are male, and two are female, he added.

“They’ve put the fear of God into our Kings,” Hunt said. “Now our royalty is moving down south where the Fairy Godmother can offer protection against their evil magic.”

The teens were discovered last week when a 32-year-old man who wishes to remain anonymous crashed what he thought was a Harry Potter party.

“We were all sitting around and talking about sorcery, but then it occurred to me that this was real,” he said. “They were calling for rain, and I’ll be damned if drops didn’t start falling right then. It was like that episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother.’ ”

He added that he didn’t think the teens meant any harm.

“They just don’t realize the consequences of their actions,” he said, noting that the weather has gotten significantly drier since their imprisonment.

But Hunt said he disagrees.

“I can’t prove it yet, but I know they brought rain on the ‘Here We Stay’ rally, and they’ve put a curse on the Kings,” he said. “How else can you explain how awfully they have been executing their duties? It simply boggles the mind.”

Hunt said one spell cast by the witches made the Kings lose stamina faster than their foes in sporting events, and another spell caused some of the more athletic royal family members to flee elsewhere.

“I think what we’ve seen over the past half-decade is these kids practicing,” Hunt said. “They could get one or two of our Kings to leave at a time, but now they’ve managed to sack the whole monarchy. Who knows what they will do next?”

Representatives for the Kings who currently reside in Fantasy Land did not answer calls placed Thursday.

“It’s pretty clear what’s happening,” said a source familiar with the royalty. “Moving our court to a new center will be the answer. If we get new subjects to shell out money, we can sort of just throw that money at the problem. That should be enough to overcome the curse.

“You’ll see it down south,” the source said. “There, we will rise.”

Some legal experts have questioned Hunt’s use of an antiquated law.

“I’m using a law from 1663 simply because Sacramento and California never put laws against witchcraft on the books,” Hunt said. “This law is from Massachusetts, and since it dates to well before the Revolutionary War and is in line with several colonial laws, it naturally can be applied to a crime we haven’t seen in over 200 years.”

An attorney is being flown in to represent the teens from the Transylvania region of Romania, where there is more recent history of supernatural crimes, according to court documents.

The attorney is the best hope for the teens, as Hunt said the charge of witchcraft carries an automatic sentence of death and stipulates it must be carried out directly after the verdict, leaving no time for appeals.

“Look, there aren’t enough lethal injection drugs to go around,” Hunt said. “They may be minors, but they face being burned at the stake. It’s what you do with witches. All of this mess has to be someone’s fault, and frankly there’s no one else to blame.”

This story was written solely for April Fools' Day. It is entirely fictional.