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Friday, May 24, 2013
Real Relationships: Scared to walk away
by Janna Haynes, published on November 14, 2011 at 8:11 AM
Storyline: Real Relationships
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Q: I am in an abusive relationship. It isn't ALL the time, but it does happen sometimes. I know the obvious answer would be to break up with him and leave, but I don't really feel like it is that simple.
On one hand, he has made references to being really angry if I ever leave him. On the other hand, we do have a good relationship most of the time. I dream of being in a happy relationship, but I don't know how to create one.
You know that saying, "I have come too far to go back now"? That is how I feel. I don't know if I will ever have the courage to stand up for myself and walk away.
A: Let me just first say that you have never gone too far to walk away from someone who does not respect you enough to not abuse you. Although I have never been the victim of an abusive relationship, I have walked alongside friends who have. It is hard, very hard. If you are ever going to gather up the courage to walk away, you will need a few things.
You need a trusted friend or family member who knows your situation and is willing to help you leave. That person will likely need to provide you with a place to stay while you figure out your next step. That person also needs to understand your need for confidentiality. Your location cannot be reveled for fear of repercussions.
You need a plan. It would be easy to, say, just get up and leave, but that isn't realistic. Unless you have a plan, you may become discouraged and decide to go back.
You need confidence. Remind yourself that you are a strong woman who deserves love, affection and respect. You can do anything you put your mind to. Remember that this situation is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to remove yourself from it. Do whatever it takes to get yourself into a safe situation.
There are plenty of local options for you to lock yourself away in a safe situation until you feel like you can start living again. Contact one of these organizations and share your story with them. They have the means to provide you with shelter, food, job training and emotional counseling. If you have any physical injuries, they can also get your medical care.
Don't hesitate to act. Make a plan, find people you can trust, and get out of there. You owe yourself that. Good luck.
WEAVE: Women Escaping a Violent Environment
Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Center
My Sister's House
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For now, if he is abusing you- you can call the police NOW and say this has been going on but because they cannot simply arrest him on heresay you want them to have records of your cell phone number, your address, and his driver's license plate ON HAND so that if there is another incident before you get out, they have all the information they need and all you have to do is essneitally dial 9-1-1.
Also, get a restraining order filed and get a few friends or a group together to get you out right away if you live with him, bite the bullet and buy a bunch of boxes and just throw everything you own in there- do the sorting later, just get out! Or at least your important items like social security cards, records, etc.
Stay at a secret safe location, the restraining order will be tempoerary until you have a hearing- at the hearing he can agree to it or fight it which means it will go to trial. Anything you can do now to prepare for this trial is wise to do so in case he is stupid enough to fight it, if you have text messages that are threatening form him ,voicemails, e-mails, SAVE them, make sure if you take photos of the texts he sent you taht it has his actual phone number showing so he can't refute and claim you just had a friend send those and entered their # as his contact info. Report any bruises or makrs to a doctor and take photos and send to a friend.
The ONLY way you have gone too far to get out- is if you DIE which is very possible and likely in this situation, all it takes is one wrong shove, one wrong hit and just lke that you're dead. I have seen people die from one punch to the head thrown just right, one fall down teh stairs, etc. So get out before your next place is your grave or the hospital!!! It's not worth it.
If you do not have a good trusted friend or two you can turn to for help, seek out one of the many resources we have here. Here is information on several abuse shelters and reousrces in the area:
WEAVE - Midtown
1900 K Street
Sacramento, CA 95811
Phone: 916.448.2321
WEAVE - South
7600 Hospital Drive
Sacramento, CA 95823
WEAVE Thrift
2401 Arden Way
Sacramento, CA 95825
Phone: 916.643.4606
Support & Information Line: 916.920.2952
866.920.2952 (Toll Free) | 916.443.3715 (TDD)
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233
All of WEAVE’s services can be accessed by calling the Support and Information Line.
24-hour support line, 24-hours a day
916.920.2952
866.920.2952 Toll Free
916.443.3715 TDD
St. Johns Shelter for Women and Children 916-453-1482
My Sister’s House (Asian/Pan-Pacific Services) 916-429-3271
PEACE for Families (Roseville) 800-575-5352
1-800-VICTIMS
Temporary Restraining Order Self-Help Computers are available Monday and Fridays at 8:45am at 3341 Powerline Rd (courthouse)
When you are finally away from him, and have a restraining order in place, your next step will be to re-build your life, friends, habits that are healthy and positive and fresh. You will feel so much better, stronger, wiser, and free. Think of it as having your house burned down, it is initially devastating but when you get to re-build the home, you will now get to have it be your dreamhome and when you put it back on the market (i.e. start dating again) you will enver settle for less because you will know what you are worth!
God Bless!!!