April Fools’ Day: Pirates wreak havoc in Sacramento
Two pirate ships were spotted dropping anchor near the Valley Prince boat in Old Sacramento Friday morning.
Dan Auldman called the Sacramento Police Department while on his morning metal detecting walk after he saw the Jolly Roger approaching.
“My trusty detector had just led me to a Seated Liberty silver dollar,” Auldman said. “I looked up at the sky feeling good about my find, and that’s when I saw the skull.”
A pileup of cars stopped traffic on either end of the Tower Bridge as the distracted driver of a DeLorean crashed into a Stinky Rose Florist delivery van.
“I was on my way to work and looked over at the river, and thought I saw a pirate ship,” Misty Ise said after the accident. “I thought I was seeing things, and I kept staring and didn’t notice my car drift into the other lane.”
No injuries have been reported at this point.
Breakfast patrons at River Way Nook were forced to evacuate around 10:30 a.m. as rats made their way into the kitchen and the dining room.
“I was so disgusted,” Rich Snawb said. “I felt a nibble on my big toe and thought it may be an ant or a bird, but it was a dirty rat.”
His wife, Dame Snawb, added, “I don’t know that we can ever come back here. The rats were everywhere. This is horrible.”
Old Sacramento businesses were witness to a couple peg-legged vagabonds stuck on the wooden walk ways.
Brad Muncher, who works for the city’s Department of Transportation, said he saw a man stuck near Overweight Town restaurant.
“On my way back from lunch, I noticed a man with a patch on his eye stuck in one of the holes,” Muncher said.
“From what I could tell, he had been stuck there for a good 15 minutes or so. I had to get back to work, so I didn’t stay.”
The pirate ships could be seen drifting away around 2 p.m. Thursday. The purpose of their visit is still unknown, but one Sacramento City Councilman thinks he was targeted.
Fob Rong said he returned home from work to find his closets and armoires raided.
“All of my silk shirts are missing,” Rong said. “My cuff links, my necklaces and my colognes from India. They’re gone.”
Rong said the burglars entered through a sliding glass door and that a metal hook was hanging from the glass when he returned.
“I don’t know anyone who wears a hook as a hand,” he said. “But why me?”
Anyone with information that could lead to the arrest of the thieves should contact the police department, said Lorm Neong, spokesman for the police department.
This story was written solely for April Fools’ Day. It is entirely fictional.